hmm.
its been a tumultous 2 days...highs and lows and i guess if i think abt it its been more high than low la but the low was really very low so dunno. but anyway i guess im ok alr but that doesnt mean u can stop feeling guilty for making me cry
well anyway i realised that maybe im a very gullible person to trust pple so explicity, like mh (& house) says, everyone lies. and maybe its me deluding myself that my frens wont lie to me but somehow i dont really see myself becoming a cynical person anytime soon. does tt make me stupid? felt really stupid yst like a gullible little fool. i try my best not to lie to pple who matter to me, is it too much to expect the same? maybe im just a bad liar so even if i wanted to noone would believe me but whatever la. yeahhhh at least now i can think abt it without wanting to cry.its not so much the betrayal but the realisation that maybe the way ive been living my life is wrong. is it really better to be mistrustful and thus safeguard myself from such heartaches or to trust the way i have been and get so hurt when the trust is betrayed? dunno la but i guess i would always rather be happy and i dont think mistrustful pple can ever be truly joyful so yeahhhhh. hiahz anyway i spent anat tutorial thinking abt it and i kept tearing which was qt embarrassing but good thing noone saw. thanks mh for accompanying me last night when being alone was too much for me to handle.
another thing that maybe hurt me was the realisation that things have been changing so much arnd me and i guess i was so comfortable in my state of bliss like in my own little world where everything is the same, where my frens are innocent and happy and we are all playing tgt. and now its like one by one they are changing and my circumstances are changing and i really dont like that because i dont feel like im changing and i dont even want to in the first place. and i guess im scared that one day soon ill be left all alone which i kinda know is an irrational fear but its like the people closest to me are the ones changing and im just really scared they will move away from me. was trying to see if i could find something God was teaching me through this so at least i will know that i am in this situation to make me a better person but so far i havent found it. if you can, pls tell me! i realise i handle pain much better if i can see the purpose for it but well just keep praying i guess.anyway i guess if Jesus could learn to handle the most lonely feeling in the world surely i can get through this as well :) no matter what i know He will never leave me or lie to me so at least thats one person. and i guess poeple are not perfect so i shldnt expect them to be so. so yah i forgive but never ever do it again.
anyway im just glad i snapped out of it already, thank God for that, and really really He's given my peace. was qt happy after a while today cos of my hat! which is really nice and red and just thinking of it made me happy haha. its my happy hat :) yeah but anyway everyone was like stunned at my hat when i walked into lect today haha. they were all asking me y i wear until liddat for sch but the truth is, i wear what i feel like wearing and i guess cos i was so cut up inside i wanted to look diff to distract myself, but anyway it worked! felt much better by the time sch ended heh.and den i was so excited cos i was going to highlight my hair... in the car i started having second thoughts tho haha. its like something ive never done so its qt scary but anyway MY HAIR ROCKS! woohoo so nice hehs. esther says its nice too! yayers haha. i was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy when i saw the final product was like smiling like mad into the mirror hahaha. but its kinda bright so dont freak out when you see me :D i just took lots and lots of fotos of myself haha. i cant wait to go sch tml now haha. i wanna see pples faces HEEHEE. weiming says i becoming more vain compared to last sem haha. i think im just tired of looking like a kid. hmmmmmm. but maybe not haha. dunno! but yeahhhhh oh wells life changes, hair changes, relationships change, poeple change. its the way things are but God is forever really thank God for that. He is the only thing we can count on to be steadfast and always there for us and i think if i didnt have Him to lean on ill just die. thank You Jesus :)
its been a tumultous 2 days...highs and lows and i guess if i think abt it its been more high than low la but the low was really very low so dunno. but anyway i guess im ok alr but that doesnt mean u can stop feeling guilty for making me cry
well anyway i realised that maybe im a very gullible person to trust pple so explicity, like mh (& house) says, everyone lies. and maybe its me deluding myself that my frens wont lie to me but somehow i dont really see myself becoming a cynical person anytime soon. does tt make me stupid? felt really stupid yst like a gullible little fool. i try my best not to lie to pple who matter to me, is it too much to expect the same? maybe im just a bad liar so even if i wanted to noone would believe me but whatever la. yeahhhh at least now i can think abt it without wanting to cry.its not so much the betrayal but the realisation that maybe the way ive been living my life is wrong. is it really better to be mistrustful and thus safeguard myself from such heartaches or to trust the way i have been and get so hurt when the trust is betrayed? dunno la but i guess i would always rather be happy and i dont think mistrustful pple can ever be truly joyful so yeahhhhh. hiahz anyway i spent anat tutorial thinking abt it and i kept tearing which was qt embarrassing but good thing noone saw. thanks mh for accompanying me last night when being alone was too much for me to handle.
another thing that maybe hurt me was the realisation that things have been changing so much arnd me and i guess i was so comfortable in my state of bliss like in my own little world where everything is the same, where my frens are innocent and happy and we are all playing tgt. and now its like one by one they are changing and my circumstances are changing and i really dont like that because i dont feel like im changing and i dont even want to in the first place. and i guess im scared that one day soon ill be left all alone which i kinda know is an irrational fear but its like the people closest to me are the ones changing and im just really scared they will move away from me. was trying to see if i could find something God was teaching me through this so at least i will know that i am in this situation to make me a better person but so far i havent found it. if you can, pls tell me! i realise i handle pain much better if i can see the purpose for it but well just keep praying i guess.anyway i guess if Jesus could learn to handle the most lonely feeling in the world surely i can get through this as well :) no matter what i know He will never leave me or lie to me so at least thats one person. and i guess poeple are not perfect so i shldnt expect them to be so. so yah i forgive but never ever do it again.
anyway im just glad i snapped out of it already, thank God for that, and really really He's given my peace. was qt happy after a while today cos of my hat! which is really nice and red and just thinking of it made me happy haha. its my happy hat :) yeah but anyway everyone was like stunned at my hat when i walked into lect today haha. they were all asking me y i wear until liddat for sch but the truth is, i wear what i feel like wearing and i guess cos i was so cut up inside i wanted to look diff to distract myself, but anyway it worked! felt much better by the time sch ended heh.and den i was so excited cos i was going to highlight my hair... in the car i started having second thoughts tho haha. its like something ive never done so its qt scary but anyway MY HAIR ROCKS! woohoo so nice hehs. esther says its nice too! yayers haha. i was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy when i saw the final product was like smiling like mad into the mirror hahaha. but its kinda bright so dont freak out when you see me :D i just took lots and lots of fotos of myself haha. i cant wait to go sch tml now haha. i wanna see pples faces HEEHEE. weiming says i becoming more vain compared to last sem haha. i think im just tired of looking like a kid. hmmmmmm. but maybe not haha. dunno! but yeahhhhh oh wells life changes, hair changes, relationships change, poeple change. its the way things are but God is forever really thank God for that. He is the only thing we can count on to be steadfast and always there for us and i think if i didnt have Him to lean on ill just die. thank You Jesus :)
<< Home